I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
