i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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