you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
