I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.