Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just google imaged poop.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
