i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
3pm strippers are depressing
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
