Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
