i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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