My first STD was from a foam party
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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