My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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