she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
