I puked a lego.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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