god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
