Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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