My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
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