first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
