I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
