I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So vagazzling was a success
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
