Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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