hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
