Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if only i could text you this smell
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
