You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
