Apparently you make a good broom.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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