My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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