life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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