the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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