Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
