last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
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