As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
