true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
3 2 1 whiskey
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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