Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Randomize
