The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
