We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
