I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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