She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
