An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
