im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
