I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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