I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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