I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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