so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
