I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
