mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
