oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
