Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
