when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
