I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
