we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
