At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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