I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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