I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he was CRYING into my vagina
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
