Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
