headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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