When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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