morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
