she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
