I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
