actually, I'm a sock model
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
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I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
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He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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