STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
