Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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