WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Say something about gay babies.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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